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Friday, February 16, 2018

SAVE THE DATE


Be back March 1st!!----fishducky

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

BE BACK SOON


Just getting my ducks in a row. 
I'm getting better & I'll be back soon!!
----fishducky

My blogging buddy Dee sent me a card.
Thank you, Dee!!

You can view her card here.
(It will give you a link.)

Monday, February 5, 2018

WHOOPS, I DID IT AGAIN!!


i had another accident wednesday night.  i cut a v in my leg when my walker viciously attacked me without provocation.  i bled like a sonofagun.  this picture was taken in the urgent care office on thursday.  it was too late to take stitches.


i'm going to go to bed and keep my head under the covers.  i'll resume my post  and my daily letter when it's safe to come out again.



be very, very careful----fishducky

 


Friday, February 2, 2018

SEE YOU MONDAY


sorry, no post today----fishducky

Thursday, February 1, 2018

IS YOUR MOTHER WEARING RED & OTHER STORIES



(reworked from several old posts.)

I don’t know if it’s just here in the L.A. area or not, but I’ve noticed that the female weather reporters on the local stations are getting sexier.  They are certainly dressing sexier.  My husband & I now refer to them as the “Weather Sluts”.  There used to be a bridal shop next door to a cafĂ© we frequented for breakfast.  Their wedding gowns were OK, but we saw a red satin dress we couldn’t believe.  So tacky!!  We figured it was for the Mother of the Slut.

Our son took us, his family & his in-laws to the Cayman Islands & we visited Sting Ray City.  In this area, the water is calm, clear as glass & about waist high.  You stand in the water surrounded by hundreds of sting rays.  (Yes, it was a sting ray that killed Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.  He got stung in the heart.)  These were very docile & as long as you didn’t get them excited you were perfectly safe. They’re used to human contact & associate it pleasantly with food.  It was a weird feeling to have them swim through & brush against your legs!  You could even pick them up (they feel like a wetsuit) as long as you used both hands & held them on your lower arms like a heavy tray.  Did you know their faces are on the bottom of their heads?  We went snorkeling later in a different part of the Caymans.  I’d never seen so many beautifully colored fish.  What a wonderful trip that was!!


Everyone later decided they wanted to go snorkeling.  I had never snorkeled before & I had never completely gotten over my fear of the water (I had almost drowned when I was about 3).  I wasn't going to go in, but the (cute) skipper said he'd hold my hand.  I finally agreed to try it & over the edge of the boat we went.  I was (almost) completely comfortable & insisted he let go of my hand.  It was absolutely beautiful; the fish were gorgeous!!  I was so glad I changed my mind.  

Bud & I were at Crater Lake, in Oregon.  It’s in the caldera of an extinct volcano & when it’s not ruffled by wind, the water’s surface is like a mirror.  It is a stunning sight.  The roads had been cleared of snow the day before we went.  We were standing by ourselves looking at the gorgeous lake when I said to Bud, “I wonder how deep the snow is?”  All of a sudden a shovel pops up not two feet from us & the voice of a ranger comes from an unnoticed hole in the snow & says, “This deep!!”


My grandmother absolutely adored Bud.  The two of us were at her house for dinner one night & she had put a tablecloth on her Formica table.  I said that I had been eating there for years & I NEVER saw a cloth on that table.  She told me sternly it was NOT for me.  I pouted & said, “Bubby, you used to like me” & she said, “You used to be my granddaughter.”  I asked, “What am I now?”  She put her hand on Bud’s shoulder, smiled & said, “Now you’re HIS wife!”  I could swear I heard the word “HIS” in capital letters--& with harps playing!  More “Bubbyisms”: She always used to say, “forth & back”, never “back & forth”.  I guess she figured (& rightly so) you had to get there before you could return. Maxwell House ran an ad campaign announcing their instant coffee was made with “coffee buds”.  She wouldn’t drink it—she thought they said “coffee bugs”.  The Yiddish diminutive of a name is made by putting “ela” on the end—Jack would be Jackela.  I met a girl named Pamela & brought her to meet Bubby.  She asked, “What am I supposed to call her—Pamelaela?”  When I was growing up she had a little bird that talked.   Like my grandmother, the bird had a Yiddish accent. 
When Sizzler Restaurants first opened, they didn’t have waiters.  You picked up your own food & brought it to your table.  I used to go there fairly often for dinner with the kids if my husband was working late.  Normally, they had no problem in getting our orders correct.  This particular night was another story.  I have 3 children & 2 of their orders were wrong.  I didn’t find out the second was wrong until I returned to the table with the first corrected order, so back I went.  I came back to discover that mine was wrong, too!  I didn’t have either the energy or the patience to make a third trip, so I asked my then 8 year old son, who had finished his meal, to do it for me.  I waited, in my red pants-suited splendor, for him to return. When he did, he told me the cook asked him, “Is your mother wearing red?”

Yes, this is me.  Why did you even have to ask?









sometimes i find a random screw lying around my house and i assume it's just from my life falling apart----fishducky

 







Wednesday, January 31, 2018

PROFESSOR FISHDUCKY, PHD*--THE WORLD”S FOREMOST AUTHORITY



(reworked from a 2012 post.)


(with apologies to Irwin Corey)



This is from Wikipedia: "Professor" Irwin Corey (born July 29, 1914) is an American comic, film actor and activist, often billed as "The World's Foremost Authority".  He introduced his unscripted, improvisational style of stand-up comedy at the well-known San Francisco club, the hungry i.  I agree with everything he says--& sometimes that scares me!!
                                       

Some of you geezers & geezerettes will remember the comedienne, Totie Fields, who died in 1978.  She was pretty hefty, as you’ll see in the video below.  She always wore beautiful gowns, but never in black.  She said she tried wearing black once & it didn’t make her look thin.  One day she came onstage wearing a gorgeous dress & the women went wild.  She told them it was a size 3.  Everyone laughed.  She said she paid $5,000 for it (in the 70’s) & at that price, it‘d better be a size 3!  She & her husband, Georgie, had a wonderful marriage.  She said that she told Georgie when they got married that she could only excel in one room; either the kitchen or the bedroom.  They hired a cook.  Later in her life, she lost a breast to cancer & a leg to diabetes.  She asked her husband why he stayed with her.  He gave the best possible answer I can think of.  He said, “I didn’t marry you for parts!!  This is her, in a dress that was very stylish at that time:
                           

I was trying to describe a dish I had eaten at a Parisian restaurant to my sister-in-law.  It was the best thing I had ever eaten!  I asked, “Nat, have you ever had an orgasm over food?”  Her response was, “Is there any other way?”

John, our bank manager, who is a good friend, once called me from work & asked me how well I knew our gardener.  I thought that was a rather personal question & asked him why he wanted to know.  It seems I had signed his check simply “Fran”.  I told him to go ahead & cash it.  John was very convenient to have as a friend.  We were about to leave on a European vacation (before credit cards) & had forgotten to get Traveler’s Checks.  We called him before leaving for the airport & he drove to our house & issued them while sitting on our couch.  He worked for Bank of America, so our kids used to call him “Mr. America”.
Bud was in a different B of A branch & wanted to cash a very large check.  They told him they would have to get an OK from our branch manager. Bud said that they could call, but John would say to give him anything he wants. The bank officer stepped away so she could make the call without Bud overhearing her.  He could see her starting to laugh.  She returned & said John told her, “Give him anything he wants!"
We had a fire in our kitchen.  The previous owner, herself on in years, had her father living with her.  She wanted a shiny floor & didn’t want her dad slipping on wax, so she laid down a coat of lacquer.  My cleaning woman, Pearline, was removing it, a little each week, with nail polish remover, which we bought by the gallon at a beauty supply.  When she got to the back porch the fumes were ignited by the dryer.  I grabbed a kid under each arm (we only had 2 at that time) & Pearline, the kids & I ran next door.  My neighbors called the fire department & I called Bud at his office & very calmly--I thought--explained what was happening. Bud says my entire conversation was, “The house is on fire!  We’re next door--we’re all fine!!”  He turned to my brother-in-law, who was in his office at the time & said, “I think I’d better go home.”  My neighbor ran to our house, got the hose from the backyard & stood in the dining room, playing the water into the kitchen.  He had a view of the front door & said he couldn’t believe what he saw.  He (& I) had always pictured firemen as rushing into the burning building, swinging their axes. He told me that he was yelling, “IN HERE!!  IN HERE!!’ while each fireman stopped to wipe his feet on the doormat.

Another fireman story: The granddaughter of one of my friends is married to a fireman.  She loaded their new baby in the car & went to join her sisters at a restaurant for their first post-birth lunch.  While getting the baby out of the car seat, she cut her hand on something--not badly, but it was bleeding & wouldn’t stop.  She asked their waitress for a Band-Aid.  She was told they didn’t have any, so she asked to see the manager.  The manager repeated (with a very customer-unfriendly attitude) that they didn’t have Band-Aids.  Her husband had told her that restaurants are required to have them for their employees.  She told that to the manager, who just walked away.  She called her husband at the fire station & he said not to worry--he’d take care of it.  A couple of minutes later, a fire truck pulled up to the restaurant & four fully uniformed firemen came rushing in.  Her husband (one of the four) shouted, “I understand someone here needs a Band-Aid!!!”  As I said about our bank manager, it helps to know the right people!!



















*PHD--Pretty Humorous (fish)Ducky




Tuesday, January 30, 2018

ALL ABOARD!! THE BUS TO DECREPITVILLE IS LEAVING IN 5 MINUTES!!


sorry this is late.  i forgot to hit publish.


(reworked from a November, 2015 post.)

On my way to Decrepitville,  I've had to pass through some unpleasant places like Boy, It's Hot In Here Town & the overly populated Where Are My Glasses City.  I finished with the change of life long ago (although I'm not sure I like what I've changed into) & had cataract surgery so I can now read the eye chart at the DMV.  I guess because my ears are as old as the rest of me, I now find myself in a land where everybodytalkslikethis!  I don't have trouble with hearing it but I have a problem separating the words.  I'm able to get enough of the words to determine it's some form of English.  Something like this:


I feel like Jeremy's mom:



I'd rather be here than in Decrepitville:


How your kids see you:

And some more cartoons about geezers those of us of a certain age:










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a different subject (Hey--I am fishducky!!  You expected it, right?):

I'm tired of the old boring outgoing message on our answering machine.  I've got my new choices narrowed down to two.  Which one do you prefer?

"Hello, I'm fishducky's answering machine.  What are you?"

Or

"Hello, you've reached fishducky.  I have ESP.  I know who you are & what you want, so at the sound of the beep, please hang up."

On an even different(er) subject, my cousin Arlene is my hero.  She was out to dinner with her husband & another couple.  When the waiter brought the dessert tray to their table, she & her friend just looked at each other & Arlene asked, "Shall we?"  Her friend said, "Yes!"  They had one of everything on the tray!  Sort of like this, only they shared:







There are so many subjects out there, how can I be expected to stay on just one?----fishducky